As I laid in bed peering out the window at the city landscape lighting up our room, for that moment, I was still. I watched the lights on the CNN building go from red to white to red to white. I watched the billboards blink, flash, scroll. And for a moment, I was still.
It's been 15 months since we lost #3. I remember telling my friend once we got past all the monumental dates (due date, 1 yr. ago we find out, 1 yr. ago the we lost him/her) that I think all would be well. Truth is, it's better. Most days come and go and while I nearly always think about it at least once, it doesn't weigh me down like it used to.
But this night? It was different. We had heard Angie Smith speak about losing their 4th daughter and let me tell you, whatever emotions I had tucked deep inside began to surface. Tears were streaming down my face, running down my neck, and my shirt was stained with tear drops and makeup. Because although I didn't carry our baby full term (knowing all along we'd lose him/her), deliver, and only have her 2 hrs., Angie and I both had the same question.
"Why? Where do I go from here?"
I love how she talked about the disciples being out in the middle of the storm when Jesus comes walking on the water. Peter steps out in faith only to take his eyes off the Master. What Angie pointed out, and what's incredibly interesting to me, is the different words they used for Christ. One meaning "Teacher", one "Friend". But the one Peter chose to use when he was sinking, in desperate need of help was kyrios - meaning Lord, Son of God.
How quick are we to, first of all, take our eyes off the Master during a storm in our lives? And how quick are we to cry out to Him? Not crying out seeking the why's (as in teach me), not crying out like we would to a friend seeking solace. Are those appropriate at times? Absolutely. But how often do we just stop for a moment, sit still in His presence and say, "Lord, Son of God whatever You will into my life, I will accept. I will call out to you as Son of God, Lord of Lords, because You alone are able to lift me from this storm." I dare say, not often enough.
I know that's been the case with me. I too often want answers instead of just being willing to accept the trials and call out to kyrios - my Lord, the Son of God.
Am I still somewhat in the middle of a storm. Yes.
Do I still have moments of grief? Yep.
Are there times I still have questions I would like answered? Indeed.
But oh, how wonderfully glorious it was to just be still for a moment, in a hotel room, peering out at the city lights, and whisper:
Kyrios, Son of God.
Yep...God has blessed you! I'm praying for you "woman of faith".ReplyDelete
It has been 23 years since our first lost. After the first lost there are six more babies that I never got to hold. All seven hold a special spot in my life - one that is just difficult to explain except to those who have walked the same path of loss. There are still days that the yearning to know and touch the lost ones is overwhelming. There are days when the tears just fall because. Yet - I can testify without any reservation that the "teacher, healer, friend, and Lord, Son of God" has never forsaken nor forgotten. He has done His work in my life and continues to do so each and every day. Oh I would give almost anything to have those children in my arms again, yet I also can say with confidence I would not trade anything for the drawing closer to Him that I have experienced through these losses.ReplyDelete
Hang in there - it never goes away, it just becomes a little easier to carry. Keep your eyes on Him - the Lord, Son of God.
You never cease to amaze me. You have more faith in me than I do.
I'm so sorry that you've had to lose 7 precious babies. I can't even imagine! Your testimony is one of God's faithfulness and I always love it when people openly share what God has brought them through. Thanks for sharing.