Perspective

I've had this post on my mind for some time now.  It's taken me awhile to be able to put my thoughts into something I could actually compose.  The reality is that it's hard for me to write.  It's hard for me to get the perspective that I often need, but also to relay that in a manner that won't come across as condescending or judgmental.  That is my hope.

I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've heard people say things such as:

I don't have the money to tithe.
Money is so tight we can't afford to give to missions.
I'd like to sponsor a child but we just can't right now.
We already gave our tithe, we can't do anything else.

And the reality is that sometimes those may be true.  But more often than not, they don't typically hold up.  They do in our minds, of course, when we use our logic.  But oftentimes when we take a step back and reevaluate we can see the truth staring back at us.... and we ignore it.

I began formulating these thoughts shortly after we got our new kitty, Harley.  It took less than 24 hrs. for us to realize something was seriously wrong with him.  He had hypoglycemia and would bottom out, appearing near death.  We kept trying to balance our desire to save him with our desire to be good stewards of our money.  How much was too much?  How much should we spend not knowing whether or not he'd survive?

He did survive and we ended up spending a small amount of money taking him to the vet twice, getting him 2 shots, a prescription, and prescription food.  It's when I went back in to the vet to buy more food that I realized the absurdity of this.  I ran into someone I know who was also there buying food (for her dog).  She said she spends at least $50/month because her dog gets sick if she doesn't feed him that specific food.  There she was spending $50/mo and there I was buying 3 cans of prescription food ($1.79/can) and it hit me.

People are willing to spend more money on their pets than they are giving to children dying all across the world.

I bought my cat a prescription and there are millions of children dying from preventable and/or curable diseases.... most having never heard the name of Jesus.

I bought my cat specialized food to boost his immune system while there are millions of children and adults starving in more countries than I'd like to imagine.

My cat has a bed, a crate, food and water bowls, a collar, toys.  He's had 3 sets of booster shots/vaccines to keep him healthy and prevent diseases.

And there are people living in makeshift huts on mounds of human feces.

Yet, how many people will say:"I just don't have the money to give."?

How many pets are wearing bling, outfits, and living in luxury??

And if you don't go all out like that, surely the mere fact that you might have a pet means the proper care of that pet (ie. food, vaccines, etc.).

Don't have a pet?  Fear not.  This perspective issue comes out in a wide array of circumstances.

Vacation
Eating Out
Starbucks
New Shoes, Purse, Clothing
New vehicles
Bigger house
How much did we just spend on Christmas??

Can we really sit back and say we don't have the money to give?  And I'm not saying any of these things are bad in and of themselves.  It's only that we can't continue to put these things first and then say we can't afford to give.

Perhaps a better observation might be that we care (purposely or inadvertently) more about what we want than about the needs of others.

Ouch!

Sometimes that's true of me.  And nearly always I can take a step back, get perspective, and see the absurdity in thinking I don't have money to give.

So what is it?  What's your excuse for not giving more?  I challenge you to take a step back, truly evaluate, and then ask yourself, what's more important.  Because I think we all already know the answer.....

A New Chapter

"You can't start a new chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the previous chapters."

I'll come back to that in a bit.

2011 was one of those years.  If I had to guess, I'd most likely say it was probably one of the hardest years of my life.  It actually began on Dec. 28th, 2010 when my thoughts were on what date we would've chosen to have #3.  Most likely the 28th.  But alas, my thoughts were divided as Mark was having surgery on his hand that morning.  I didn't have a lot of time to think about it, which in hindsight may have been a blessing.

The new year started off with a bang.  On the 3rd, Mark's grandma fell and broke her hip.  We left to go down there for her surgery on the 4th.  Amidst going back and forth to the hospital, the 5th came and went.  The fifth -- our sweet #3's due date.  I had my moments, particulary while home alone at my parents' house, just playing the piano, crying out to God for peace.  And you know what, He granted it to me.

On the night of the 14th I started having severe stomach pains.  Thinking it was gas (ick, I know, right!?), I kept taking gas pills to no avail.  I was up all night vomiting, taking hot baths to try to get rid of the pain (also to no avail).  When morning came around, I had narrowed it down to an ovarian cyst or appendicitis.  I spent the majority of the day at the doctor's office and ER having tests ran.... all the while being irritated it was taking so long because I needed to be at home cooking and cleaning because we were supposed to be having my best friend and her family over for dinner.  Little did I know I would be making the call for her to come get my kids as I was prepped for emergency surgery to remove my partially ruptured appendix.

Our parents took the kids home with them while I recovered.  Upon my visit to the surgeon to have my staples removed, I was told that during the surgery he noticed something with my right ovary didn't look right and that I should follow up with my OB/GYN.  I'll be honest with you.  I'm a worrier.  Telling me stuff like that will nearly always send my worry gene into overdrive.  I made the appt. with my OB/GYN and the ultrasound actually revealed that all was well with my right ovary, but that my left one had a ping pong ball sized cyst on it.  He thought that since I have PCOS this might be normal, but wanted to wait another month and see what it did.

We left on the 25th to go pick up the kids.  Anna was with my parents, Eli with Mark's parents.  We stopped by and got Anna and then headed to Damascus so we could see Eli too.  While passing through Greenbrier I recall saying that we should stop and see my Grandpa.  I dismissed the thought and said I'd drop by the next morning on our way back to my parents' house.... a decision I would regret by morning when I got the call that my mom had found him dead.  I had now just lost my last grandparent, and with him, the regret of not having stopped to see him the night before.

After two visitations and  2 funerals, we returned home hoping things would settle down.  They did not.  On Monday morning, the 31st we got the news that our good friends; baby had died, full term, just 4 days before his schedule induction.  I'll tell you, I absolutely lost it when we found out.  Standing in front of the dryer folding clothes, bawling hysterically lost it.  I can't imagine such a tragedy.  His funeral was one of the sweetest I've ever been to, but also one of the hardest.

Alas, January was rough.  Thankfully, February, March, and April went by without much excitement (other than a potential real estate investment that the seller backed out on).  May brought on some new challenges in the form of kidney stones.  That as well as losing 3 of the shut-ins we visit each month.  June brought the news of the death of Mark's uncle, July the news of our friends who lost their full term baby losing another baby to miscarriage, and August the death of his cousin.  In December we learned that my dad had an inoperable brain fluid leak and just two days before Christmas we got the news that one of our friend's dad had committed suicide.  And we got to finish out the year with another surgery - Mark had his nose worked on last week... and I passed out.   ;)  Mixed in with the big stuff was of course all the nitty gritty of every day life - being a wife, a mom, and the ups and downs that often go with those.

While 2011 was certainly one for the books, throughout it all there were so many blessings tucked inside of each trial and difficulty.  Which brings me back to this:

"You can't start a new chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the previous chapters."

Sometimes I really need to get this through my head.  I like to dwell.  To hang out for a period of time.  To hash things over and over.  It's my way of processing and dealing with stuff.  But I find it no coincidence that God instructs us multiple times not to worry or be anxious about anything combined with versus above looking forward, striving for what's ahead....  How can we look forward if we're still dwelling on the past?

I've had this post in mind since about July, but didn't know how it would all come together.  Today made it come full circle in my mind.

I was exercising as part of my goal to be healthier.  How the icecream I ate tonight figures in to that, I'm not sure.  Ahem.  I digress...  As I was saying, I was on the elliptical working up a sweat when it hit me.  Today is January 6th.  That probably means nothing to most of you.  But to me it meant I forgot that yesterday was #3's due date.  It was evidence that life has in fact moved on.  That with each passing day, my mind is focused less and less on the why's and more and more on the grace that pulled me through it.

That realization has come at a price.  Guilt.  When I realized that I had forgotten yesterday, I lost it.  Sobbing, blurry-eyed, snotty lost it.  And yet I continued exercising because I was overtly aware that Satan had devised this scenario with me in mind.  He had full intentions of using the past to affect my present and future.  And I refused to allow it.  Why?  Because I know the dwelling, hanging out, and hashing have to stop. 

Yes, this past year has been rough.  The year before wasn't too peachy either.  But I can't start a new chapter in life if I won't quit re-reading all the chapters in life that weren't so peachy.

I'm starting a new chapter and I must say, I'm excited to see what the Author has in store.

Radical

A couple of months ago I was called a "radical".  The who and why of it is irrelevant.  The core reason behind it, however, is.  You see, I've made a conscious choice to live differently and sometimes that doesn't go over so well, even amongst those who call themselves believers.  The reality is this:

I believe the Bible.

I know, I know.  That's not some Earth shaking, new concept you're just now hearing from me.  So stick with me for a minute, I really do have a point.

Just because people say they believe the Bible doesn't always mean they live out what it says.

Shocker, right?!!

Hardly.  This is old news.  People have long been saying they believe God's Word yet fail to follow it (Pharisees anyone?).

The gist of the matter is that when God's word says that what proceeds from our mouths should be wholesome (Eph. 4:29)...

I believe Him.

When He says that pre-marital sex is wrong and that the marriage bed should be kept pure (Heb. 13:4)....

I believe Him.

When He says that He is the Author and Creator of life and that He knit us together in our mother's womb and that all life is precious, even from the time of conception (Ps. 139:13)....  Guess what?

I believe Him.

When He says that you will know other believers by the fruit of their works (Matt. 7:16).....

I believe Him

When He says that drunkenness is wrong (Eph. 5:18; Prov. 20:1)...

I believe Him.

I hope I'm not stepping on any toes here.  That's not my intent at all.  I don't take this matter lightly.  It's not something I use to judge or look down on others.  Please hear my heart in this.  You have to come to the conclusion that if you are going to say you believe His word, then you had best be living it out.... even when it's hard..... even when people disagree with you.

But there's another element to this.  Initially, I was 'pleased' with this comment.  I thought: "Wow.  I live in such a way that someone has taken notice."  Despite knowing that when it was said it wasn't meant as a compliment.

The reality is that the more I thought about it, the sadder I felt.  It's pretty sad when the sole requirement for being a 'radical' is that I live a pretty decent life:  I don't drink, smoke, make a habit of using bad language, we waited until we were married to have sex, we attend church, we serve and volunteer.....

Yet, you know what?  It's not enough.  Nothing will ever be enough.  It doesn't matter how good you are (or me for that matter), we're still utterly dependent on His grace.  It's this realization that causes me most every day to feel like I should be doing more.

When I think of someone who is "radical" I think of Francis Chan who freely abandons so much for the sake of the gospel.  I think of Katie who gave up everything, moved to Uganda and has adopted somewhere around 14 children.  I think of the people giving up their summers, their time, their money to go on missions trips.  I think of people like John Piper and John MacArthur who are so saturated in God's Word that I wonder if they couldn't just quote the majority of the Bible to me.  I think of people like the Duggers who have 19 kids and make it seem so easy.  I think of people like this.

People who seem so different from me.

Surely in light of great exemplars like this, I can't see how I'm a radical.

The thing is, I'm working on it.  Each day is a new day for me to improve.  For me to recklessly abandon it all for the sake of Christ (you thought I'd say "for the sake of the call", didn't you?  Come on, admit it all you Steven Curtis Chapman fans - :)  ).

So while I might be a radical to some, I hardly consider that to be the case.

But I desperately hope that one day it will be true.

Why?  It's simple:

Because I believe Him!

Failure

Failure...

There are times I feel like a complete and total failure, a hypocrite. I’m willing to bet that several of you often feel the same way.  There are times these titles are self imposed.  Times when it’s just simply how I feel.  There are other times when they're imposed on me by others and their expectations of how I should be.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a "hypocrite". Perhaps a more accurate way of saying it is that I may appear to be a hypocrite at times. I think there's a distinct difference between being a hypocrite and being someone who fully believes something, struggles in those areas, and is in need of grace.

I'm that person.

There are a lot of things that I struggle with. Be it patience, anger, submission, discipline.... I believe in all of these things. I know that patience is a virtue, that unbridled anger is wrong, that I should willingly submit to Mark, that I should be disciplined in any number of given areas. I believe all of those things to be true because I believe God's Word.

But believing doesn't mean we're always good at the things we believe.

I've had this post on my mind for quite awhile.  It's sat as a draft for months. And here recently I've been hit hard. The past few weeks have given me multiple opportunities to be a hypocrite. And Satan basks in it. He's always there to rub it in, to attempt to make you think you don't really believe God's Word. He likes to make you think it's pointless to even try.

He likes the word "failure."

But it's not.  I tell you, it's not pointless to try!

I've come to the conclusion that sometimes (not always) it just doesn't matter what other people think. What matters is what I know to be true. 

Just because we're not where we'd like to be in certain areas doesn't exempt us from continuing to work towards being better.

I fail.  I'm impatient. I'm unkind.

But I still believe. I believe all the more that I'm a sinner in need of grace and I am so incredibly thankful that He graciously offers that to me.

There comes a time when you have to sit down and truly evaluate things. "Am I really a hypocrite?"  "Does 'failure' really encompass who I am?"  And once you answer these questions honestly, the solution is still the same.  Be your answer yes or no, the answer is one in the same.

Get back up!

You will fail.  You will stumble.  You will look to the right or left instead of straight ahead. 

Get back up.

Failure can only occur when we allow it to.  When we choose to wallow in self pity, refuse to continue striving, running the race that has been set before us.

Get back up.

If you have to crawl, do it.  Because the rewards and satisfaction of knowing that Christ can and will sustain you through your failures is invaluable.

Get back up.  Otherwise.... failure awaits.

Almost

The path to hell is paved with good intentions.

One of my favorite preachers, Bro. Jerry Jolly, used to say this all the time.  And it's true.  So many people intend to get saved.... after they've lived it up awhile, enjoyed their youth, got their act together, or cleaned up their lives for Christ.  They've got time, right?

Not only is this line of thinking faulty, it's dangerous.

But what if this quote could be interpreted another way.  What if all the things I intend to do (and don't) might potentially prevent others from coming to Christ?  Is there a point in life when good intentions just don't matter?  A point where all that matter is what actions we took regarding those good intentions?

I believe so.

For the past several years I've been wanting to go on a mission's trip.  For me, this is one of those things that you don't even have to pray about.  God said "Go" and not only did He say "Go" but He followed with "into all nations."  Might missions trips include something within the community?  Yes.  The state, country?  Yes.  But might it also mean ALL nations?  Indeed.  I've been so close to signing up to go.

I almost did it..... Yet millions upon millions of people have never heard the name of Jesus.

It's no secret, Mark and I want to adopt.... at some point.  What point is that exactly?  When we have it all together, have the money in hand, when the opportunity just falls in our laps?  We've been to the point of contacting agencies for information.

We almost got the process started.  All the while God has commanded us to care for the widows and the orphans.  While I almost took the leap, there in orphanages around the world sit sweet precious babies waiting for someone to love them and teach them about how Christ adopts us into His family.

There are so many areas that I almost conquered.  Some of these may be familiar to you too.

I almost invited them to church....

I almost volunteered to serve in that particular ministry.

I almost gave to that charity that said they were in need of funding.

I almost raised my hand to say I'd teach that class.

I was almost  patient today.  Almost more submissive.

... Almost...

The path to hell is paved with good intentions.

Does that ever put that quote in perspective for me!  Sometimes good intentions just aren't enough.

I think the overwhelming factor that goes in to all of these things is fear.

Fear....

I know it's something I battle with.  I play the "What if" game.  What if I sign up to go on a missions trip..... then, then, then I have to fly on a plane for how many hours??  What if I don't know what to say?  What if they reject what I'm trying to tell them?  What if??

What if I start the adoption process and I get pregnant.  Then we'll have wait even longer, lose money, etc.  What if we just wait until we have another one and then start the process?  What if?

What if I invite them to church and they don't come?  What if they laugh at me?

What if I say I'll serve and don't know what I'm doing?

What if I give to charities and then need that money?

What if.....

What if I said "I'll do it anyway?"

What if all God's people stopped worrying about the what ifs, stopped hashing things over and over in our minds and instead just got to work doing what God has already commanded us to do?

I think the world would be a better place.

Because our God is greater than all our fears.  He's stronger than any excuses we throw His way.  And He's higher than all the almosts.

Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other.
Our God is Healer, Awesome in Power, Our God! Our God!

Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other.
Our God is Healer, Awesome in Power, Our God! Our God!

And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us.
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against.
And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us.
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against.
Then what could stand against.