I'm in that spot.
Every since we lost our baby I've heard that statement a lot. It usually comes in the form of "God may have been being merciful to you." I even talked about His mercy in this post. But if I'm honest, I've spent a good deal of time angry with Him, wondering how a merciful, loving God could be so cruel as to let me know I was pregnant only to take our baby from us a few short days later. That the only tangible thing I have to hold on to of my baby is a picture of a pregnancy test.
My mind can't comprehend this. But then again, my mind isn't meant to always understand (Isaiah 55:8).
I find myself playing games with God. They go something like this: Okay, You want to play hard ball? Fine. I can play that game too. I don't want anything to do with You right now. I don't want to talk to You. I don't want to read Your word. And I don't want to hear that You're merciful. You're not. Just leave me alone.
Oh, but then I come to my senses. Because as angry and hurt as I am, I know that playing hard ball with God isn't going to end up well and the one on the losing end isn't going to be Him. I know this to be true because I already feel myself slipping away, wondering what in the world I'm doing running from Him instead of to Him. Why that during the the days we waited on the blood tests to come back that all I could do was beg Him for mercy, crying for Him to let everything be okay, to save our baby. But now, suddenly I'm mad and angry and I want it to be someone's fault. I just want someone to be mad at and I'm coming up short. I know this is a control issue because if it's someone's fault or something I did then I could've fixed it and I can prevent it from happening again. But there's nothing. There's no one. It just is what it is and I absolutely hate that. I detest that. I want an answer. And all I get is "God is merciful."
God is merciful.
I remember through the days of when I first suspected something was wrong until it was officially confirmed that I was reading the account of Jesus' crucifixion. I remember thinking "Could I not read through something that might actually be helpful to me during this situation?" How arrogant and cocky a thought! For it was that very account that brought everything full circle for me.
God in His mercy loved me (yes, me!....and you) enough that He was willing to give His son as a living sacrifice so that I could be called a child of His. So that I might one day see Him face to face, so that I now can have the hope of one day holding my sweet baby, and all the while being free from the punishment I so deserve for my sin. My sin of ignoring Him. My sin of running away from Him instead of to Him. My sin of being angry with Him.
So often it's easy for us to feel sorry for ourselves. And I've been there. Honestly, I'm probably still partially there. But rather than wallow around in self pity I'm choosing to see His mercy in things. As much as I've hated hearing that statement over the past week, it's also one of the ones I've most needed to hear. Because He has been and still is merciful.
There's mercy in the eyes of Anna and Eli. Mercy that they're happy and healthy. Mercy that He gave them to us after being told we likely wouldn't be able to have children on our own.
There's mercy in the embrace of my husband who's been by my side through incredibly late nights and early mornings, tears of pure pain, tears of sorrow, vomit, an ER visit, and one incredibly crabby wife. There's mercy in that.
There's mercy in God having allowed my mom to be here the very week all this happened. That she was here with me when I got the call. That's mercy.
There's mercy in my best friends, one who while on vacation to Disney World was willing to just sit in silence and listen to me cry and the other who was willing to put her wedding preparations on hold until we knew if we'd need to change the bridesmaid dresses or not. That's mercy.
There's mercy in my accountability partner taking time out of her day to pray for me and send me encouraging texts.
There's mercy in the calls, the cards, the e-mails, the facebook comments, the dinner..... the prayers.
There's mercy in those who've been there and understand and who've come alongside me.
There's mercy in people drawing closer to Him because of our pain - and mercy that they cared enough to share that with us - to know that our baby's life hasn't been in vain is some kind of merciful.There's mercy! Mercy through the hurt and the pain. Mercy through each of you. Mercy through the cross.
There's mercy. And God is showering me with it. And once again, I can still say "I'll praise You in this storm."